I've never really been toasted before. Recognized, yes...but this whole toasting thing was brand new. I guess it's started to hit me, in some ways that i'll actually be leaving in 3 or 4 days and in other ways it feels still as if i'm back in september and it's a distant thought. There will be no going away parties, each last shift was unnoticed to many, and even fewer til the very end. I feel as if I'm fading away...perhaps like a movie, but i wouldn't call it a fade to black...perhaps just a fade to gray. Despite the days being even more numbered, I have yet to really spend time with my family...perhaps it is a coping mechanism. They were the hardest to tell, and my mom is being stoic. But it's really hard to know that you're breaking so many hearts. It makes yours break a little bit to know it. It's nearly overwhelming. Mom cried before mimosas on christmas morning, and there was the awkward toast at the grandparents. I still feel like they are disappointed, although they would never say so. I've been meaning to write them a letter for so long, but the words just never seem right. Just like this xanga, that has been stewing for a week now. You spend so much time fighting an uphill battle, that when you get to the top and you see that you are no longer fighting but facing the inevitable you have worked to create it stops your heart for a second. And then the downhill comes. I'm really excited for this, but also a little scared...not gonna lie for as breathtaking as heights can be, they still terrify my at times. Breakfast with elida, and lazy nights with allie will end. Hanging out in the basements with my brothers blasting music will be put on hold. I'll become that older sister who lives in another state and visits infrequently. I'm that daughter and granddaughter who is 22 and yet to finish college. It's just really complex. But i guess the one thing that is keeping me grounded, which ironically is the same thing we are trying to keep low key, is the relationship. Which i still don't know how to define, but i love how it makes me feel. I'll miss so many things, but i also have many things to look forward to. Three days will mark the day i start the rest of my life.

yeah.

i guess this wasn't at all what i wanted it to be. but its the end of an era.

and scene.

so much to write about...gah. will post soon.

i miss you so much right now.